HomeEmail me at jeffstonemusic@yahoo.com
Jeff Stone
PO Box 7156
Station A
Toronto, ON
M5W 1X8
Canada
January,1999
Dear Friends,
Happy New Year everyone! I hope the holidays went well for all. Here are more of my notes.
Regina: The Billboard and the Robin's Doughnuts Incident
There is a billboard in Regina, Saskatchewan that promotes the consumption of pork. And this is what it says:
PORK
The One You Love
I need not comment further.
On our way out of Regina, the Evil Biting Worms Tour stopped into a Robin's Doughnuts to get coffee. Northwestern Ontario through Saskatchewan is dominated by Robin's Doughnuts. I am used to Tim Horton's, which plays second fiddle along this stretch of land. In fact, I had never heard of Robin's before I started this tour.
I noticed that they had the tiny ball-like doughnut that I know as Timbits (that's what Tim Horton's calls them). Apparently Robin's Doughnuts call them Robin's Eggs. Of course, I knew they weren't going to call them Timbits, but when one communicates, one needs labels.
"What do those things that look like Timbits cost?"
"We don't sell Timbits here" the 19-year-old behind the counter answered.
"Okay, but those things that look like Timbits, what do they cost?"
"We don't sell Timbits here" repeated the girl. Okay, here's my theory. It's great to be loyal to the company, but not if you are making minimum wage. Secondly, don't let your company pride get in the way of customer service. She had to have known what I meant. Tim Horton's may be second fiddle in Regina, but it did exist there.
"These things that I am pointing to&ldots;what do you call them?"
"Robin's Eggs."
"How much do they cost?"
Et cetera. Well, apparently I upset her, but because she had already served me my coffee, her only recourse was to take it out on Tom, who was next. He ordered a tea, and discovered in the car that there was stuff floating in it, and it tasted like a strawberry milkshake. Not that there is anything wrong with a strawberry milkshake. However, if you lift what you think is tea to your lips, and you get hot semi-solid orange pekoe strawberry shake soup, you may find yourself disgusted.
Tom was indeed disgusted. Drank it anyway though.
Life In a 1985 Honda Accord
Things are tight in a 1985 Honda Accord. I spent a lot of time over a week in that car, with two other people, three guitars, camping supplies, and three sets of luggage, not to mention groceries and run-over animals that we would pick up along the way to eat in the car and at our camp. The buried person in the back usually slept. This was not due to fatigue as much as it was the mind's natural reaction to avoid being conscious during pain and discomfort. Perhaps it was also due to lack of air.
The person at the wheel usually slept, too.
Because the only interesting thing to do was to drive, everyone wanted to drive. "Jeff, you've been driving for 14 hours straight. Let someone else drive." "No! I am not going to the back."
The front passenger seat was also a premium position to have. It was a bit cramped, but you could see the road, and actually talk to the driver. The person in the back was left out of all conversations. There was a wall there.
There are courtesies that I am not used to, having never been in a two-door-car family. The passenger-side person always had to lift the lever to bring the seat up so that the back seat person could get out. At first, I kept forgetting. I was cursed out a lot. At the end, though, Leela was the one forgetting. I didn't curse her out, though, for fear of being left in the middle of nowhere in the next part of the trip.
When I opened for The Orchid Highway in Vancouver, they talked about touring. Rory MacDonald's comments on jokes rang very true. The jokes start on the first day. They don't start out funny, but they get told and retold, and then they get worse. But it is a beast. There is no stopping it. The jokes live past the tour.
Oh, by the way, Canada is really beautiful.
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Every week I have been printing my favourite mail from you, my fans and friends. This week's Letter of the Week is from none other than Ed McMahon.
JEFF STONE!!!!!If we draw your name in the Publisher's Clearing House Lottery, we'll announce that
JEFF STONE HAS WON $31 BILLION DOLLARS!!!!!!!!
Yes, it's true! You could win! Win! Win! Imagine having all that money! You would never have to worry about any expenses ever again! You could buy all the exclamation marks you want to!
While you're reading this, check out the incredible magazine subscriptions that we are offering at low, low prices!
Please check which subscriptions you would like over the next year!
Signed Ed McMahon!
___ Warts Illustrated (54 issues,$49.99, normally $89.99)
___ Cattlelaine (12 issues,$39.99, normally $95.99)
___ Weeder's Digest (12 issues,$42.99, normally $99.99)
___ Tame (52 issues,$79.99, normally $149.99)
___ Loaf (12 issues,$79.99, normally $149.99)
___ Home & Garage Magazine (104 issues, $89.99, normally $149.99)
___ Cottage Cheese Life Magazine (104 issues, $89.99, normally $199.99)
Thank you Ed for your kind letter. And keep that mail rolling in.
Until my next letter,
Jeff Stone